William & Gracie??

Funny how things happen some time. I was told once, its not appropriate to say should or shouldn’t, but do or don’t. That what may happen in the future doesn’t matter, only what does or does not actually happen, matters.

So, Kathy matched with Michael on one of the dating apps. They exchanged some flirty banter; then he asked her what she was looking for. She, looking for something  real, and knowing that it was unlikely to find something actually real from an app, was skeptical, naturally. Kathy’s response was something new, no real expectations.

He said, are you good with just friendship? She responded, of course. I’m here for something real, whatever that looks like.

He responded with good. Because, I’m recently divorced and a closet gay, so I’m looking for someone that can help teach me the ropes. Have you ever been friends with a gay man?

Kathy said, sure. I’ve not bee in a strict Will & Grace situation, but yeah, I’m friends wit gay men.

Michael kept pushing the situation, of him being gay but behind the scenes, and not knowing how to act.
Sure, Kathy was supportive of Michael being who he wanted to be. Yes, she clearly wasn’t gonna get dick from him; but a new friend wasn’t the worst situation.

Yet, Michaels idea of a new “bestie” wasn’t quite normal. Apparently, he wanted someone to not only teach him the “ways of the gays” (what does that even mean), but to berate him and make an example of him being a shitty human; in public.

Conversation quickly went from; can you dominate and punish me for wasting a woman’s time for all these years, when clearly I wanted dick; to can you be pleasured by a man and then let me lick up their mess?

Kathy says; like please explain more. What do you mean, clean up their mess?

Michael shared, well, after you hook up with whatever guy, whether y’all just play around or have sex, I just know you will be dripping with juices of one sort of another; so, I want you to come over before the shower and let me lick up the remaining juices.

But you’ve told me you don’t like girls. Only men. So., why do you want to “lick the extra juices from me?” Sometimes, its a clean hook-up, I get that. But most the time, I suspect you will be dripping with juices, down your leg, all around your pussy. I was married, I can handling licking up the juices from wherever you have them.

I suppose that would be fine. If I’m home, you’d have to come to me after he leaves, I won’t leave first without cleaning up. And I definitely not letting hime spend the night.

I guess if I happen to go to his house, and he pleasures me, and then fucks me there. When we are done, I’m gonna leave and go home. So yeah, maybe in that scenario I would come to you and let you do your thing. I don’t have a lot of fuck buddies at the moment, but the one I do have; he’s not gonna creampie in me, so, you’ll absolutely only get my juices.


So, when we hang out in public, are you going to be able to punish me?

If you deserve it?

So, spending 15 years married to a woman, when I like dick, doesn’t make me deserve it?

I hear you, and get your point. Yet,  everyone hides something from themselves and the outside world at some point; does that make you a bad person. No. Does it make you confused/lost; sure. Are you now actively trying to find yourself; sure. It’s okay; everyone deserves that. Can I paddle your ass with a legitamite wooden paddle; sure, I have one, I was greek in college,

But, can you punish me and berate me and discipline me in public?

Oh, so you are looking for a Dom. Yeah, I can do that. And not only do that, I will absolutely live up to all the fantasies you’ve shared with me, and probably some you haven’t. But, its’ going to be on my terms; and how I say. You sit back and listen.

So, yea, I can Dom you in public. I have no problem berating and being a complete dick/showing someone who is the boss; when they deserve it. I’m not sure you actually deserve it, but sounds like you actually want it.

truth time –

After your initiaal deserve it time ; I can only berate/degrade/be mean when you deserve it. Sure, I can be your DOM all the time; but sometimes I need a break, and will need to seek others for that outlook. So if thats all good, lets do this!!!

OH! Teacher

My friend Jack told me this incredibly unbelievable story that he hooked up with our teacher. I guess technically she was our former teacher, since we graduated High School last week. Still, I didn’t believe a word he said. This is the story he told:

At the post graduation baseball celebration ceremony dinner, most of the parents left and a bunch of us guys were shooting some basketballs around that Zack had broken into the closet to get. A few teachers, including  Ms. Sloan. As the crowd got smaller, someone snuck in a bottle of tequila and most of the guys and some of their girlfriends were drinking. Ms. Sloan told Assistant Principal Bellding that she’d stay with us stragglers and lock-up. “Give the boys this last  game of pick-up and good memories for their time here”. A while later, while people were cleaning up, leaving, and just kinda milliing around; Ms. Sloan threw me her keys and asked me to pull her car closer to the entrance. She drove a new cherry red Charger, so of course I jumped at it.  Her car smelled just like I imagined she did, you know up close. I didn’t give her keys back to her as soon as I had moved her car. Instead I waited for her to ask, when just about everyone else was gone. She asked me if I moved her car, and where her keys were. I said, yes, of course I did, and here there are; closing the distance between us, I went for it. I slapped her ass as I handed her the keys back.

She exclaimed “Oh! You Naughty Boy!”I told her ‘Yes, ma’am. School is over, you aren’t my teacher anymore, I saw my chance and did something I’ve been wanting to do for years'”Well, if we are going to do things like that, do not call me ma’am. You may call me Olga. And we should keep in touch, now that we are friends and all”

I was stunned, but definitely got her phone number. The next day was full of flirty conversations, where I confessed I’ve been daydreaming about seeing her naked body for a solid three-years. She invited me over, and I went. I showed up and she offered alcohol, weed, and food. So yea, I asked for food. She shared with me some kind of shark coochie board, it was basically cheese and meat. She pulled out and smoked from the coolest bong I’d ever seen. She put on a movie I actually wanted to see, and we started to watch.

Maybe 15 or 20 mins into the movie, she took her shirt off, exposing her sexy black bra, and straddled me, asking “Is this what you were expecting?” ‘Uh No. I had no expectations. But, now seeing this, I want to see the rest!’  And she obliged. Easy Peasy. No awkward conversations, or should we do this or not. Just boom, we were making out. Then we went to her bedroom. She stripped my clothes off and told me to lie on the bed. That moment was a little awkward for sure; but she came out of the bathroom in the sexiest black lacy lingerie I’ve ever seen. Damn, I thought I was going to bust a nut right then and there. We started to make out some more, and  started to really mess around. She asked if  I had brought a condom. ‘Shit. I didn’t. I don’t keep them on me. Damn’  “Don’t worry she said” as she reached over to this wooden box on her nightstand that I hadn’t noticed and  said “You have options. What’s your preference?” Looking through her box, she didn’t just have condoms in there, but I wasn’t caring about all of that, I just wanted to penetrate her. And so I did. A couple more times that evening and night before I went home.

So as much as I don’t think of Jack as a liar, I just can’t believe Ms. Sloan would have fucked him. I mean, I thought she was married. I met her husband at some of the basketball games last season. He insists it happened, and just like he said.  And that its’ been apparently happening frequently since then.

Not giving it much more thought, we made plans to hang out a few days after he told me about Olga. Honestly, I didn’t realize her first name was Olga, and that’s kind of a turn on, in a I’ve been naughty kind of teacher way. 

Jack called and told me to get ready, he’s picking me up in 10 minutes and we are going swimming. Awesome, I thought, I love going swimming. Hope the girls will be there, Marco Polo and Chicken Fights are my favorite way to flex my strength and throw the girls around.

We chatted about random stuff, mostly the shenanigans of our siblings on the way there. I forgot to even ask where we were going. He pulled into a neighborhood I didn’t recognize, slowed down, and said we are going to Olga’s Pool. I tried to keep a poker face, but was like, ‘Are you kidding me? You are joking right? Where are we really going?’ “Fine, don’t believe me. You’ll see. Just play it cool and don’t be a dick.”

I shit you not, we pulled up, and Olga greeted us at the door. She welcomed both us in as if it was a normal occurrence. Gave us both a big hello hug and kiss on the cheek. She immediately offered us beer and brought us to the pool. No awesome bong, I thought.  By the pool we listed to music drank some beer, and she brought out one of those Shark Coochie Boards that Jack told me about from “the first time”. And then she offered the bong. I was stunned, could Jack have been right all along? I grabbed another beer and got in the pool. I was slightly bummed that there weren’t any girls for me there; I mean I felt like Jack was too much of a prude to engage in a threesome with me.

Jack followed her inside for some bong action. Hahaha. Bong Action. More like bone action. They thought I haven’t seen them making eyes at each other, and slight inappropriate touches. After what I felt like was long enough to hit the bong a couple of times; I got out of the pool and peered into the window. Damn glad I did that.

They were in the kitchen, she must have dropped something, because she was bent over, her bikini still on, and he smacked her ass. I felt a twinge of regret for watching them through the window, like some Peeping Tom, but it soon passed. She stood up, turned around and kissed him. Like movie quality, all-in kiss. That was all he needed to pick her up off the ground and set her on the counter. They made out that way for another minute or two,  then she reached over and grabbed his hard cock out of his swim trunks. It wasn’t like I’ve never seen Jack’s dick before, but not quite like that. Yet, I couldn’t look away.

She stroked his dick, while they made out. Then she jumped down off the counter, and got on her knees, moved her bikini top so her breasts were fully exposed, and started giving Jack a BJ.  At this, I not only could not look away, it was like I was watching a porn, so my hand gravitated to my own cock. As her mouth sucked and licked, I stroked and stroked. He stopped her, probably to avoid prematurely finishing in her mouth, haha. Amature.  Lifted her off the floor, ripped her bikini bottoms off, like seriously I think he ruined them, and picked her up, sliding her onto his throbbing hard dick. I can’t say for sure if he did or did not mask up, but I didn’t care, I was moments away from finishing myself, good thing there was a plant I could splurge on. He carried her to the wall, so her back was up against it, whole time continuing to have her ride his cock. I’ll say, I was impressed. As she let out the muffled scream of what I imagined was her orgasm, I shuddered with my own. I tried to not make a noise, but unlike her, I didn’t have anyone’s hand over my mouth. I guess Jack heard my grunt, because he looked over, and we made eye contact. As I stood motionless, he went back to Olga, and banged her even harder, causing he to scream another orgasm and him to finish too.

Well, I’ll be damned. Jack didn’t lie about Olga, I guess his original story was believable after all.

Serena got played

 Katie answered the phone at work, like any other night, “The Booth, how can I help you?”. “I need you to stop sleeping with my boyfriend” came the sassy voice on the other end. “I’m sorry, who are you trying to reach?” “I know it’s you Jessica, stop fucking my boyfriend” “My name is Katie, and we don’t have a Jessica that works here, I think you have the wrong bar” “Well, you may not be Jessica, but you should tell her; I’m coming for her”. What the fuck, was all Katie could think. Clearly its not me, not this time anyhow.  

There were a few other girls that worked at The Booth besides Katie, Caroline but she was dating and living with another bartender there; so clearly it wasn’t her. Molly, but she was married and completely unlikely to be her. Kelsi was single, but didn’t appear to have been seeing anyone for a while now, not really since her last boyfriend, but that ended months ago. Sure she had hung out with a few guys here or there; but nothing lasted more than a couple of days, on purpose for her. Yet, Katie immediately called Kelsi to give her the heads up. 

They joked about it with their co-workers and some of their friends and regulars over the next couple of days. Assuming, some raunchy guy lied to his girlfriend when he got caught cheating on her.

There were plenty of bars in the area, it would be easy to lie about where ‘Jessica’ worked. That wasn’t even likely her name. How many times have you flirted with someone that was fun for the moment but knew it wasn’t going to be a thing, so gave them a fake name.  I know I personally, have played the game. I learned that in college, learning how to have some fun with these random fuk bois that thought they were the shit. Giving them a false name, and really, false personal detail all around was fun. I certainly had more fun talking to them when I knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere, and even more fun when they bought the clearly bullshit info I was giving them. Sure, my name is Anita. Cool, that’s a normal name. Believable. But my major is lion taming, or tambourine. Get real dudes. If they were real douchy, I would start off with my full alter ego name; Anita Dick. Or if I was being a little more coy, Anita Richard. Classic. 

A week or so after the phone call, when everyone had forgotten about it. Until, the mystery caller actually showed up looking for Jessica. Molly and Kelsi were working, Katie was actually sitting at the bar with her friend enjoying a drink, plot twist, her friend Jessica. This chick walks in, alone, straight up to the bar where Kelsi was chatting with Katie, giving her another drink.  “Jessica, I know you’ve been fucking Chris. I don’t care what he told you, I’m his girlfriend, and I’m here to put an end to what you are doing. HE IS MINE.” 

Kelsi had to hold back the laughter. And definitely refused to look at Katie or Jessica. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me? My name is Kelsi”

“Cool, might not be you. But that bartender, down there. That’s Jessica right? Tell her to come here” 

“Ma’am, we don’t have a Jessica that works here. That is Molly. If you aren’t going to order a drink, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave” 

“Wait….” Tears started to erupt from the mystery girl’s eyes, as she sat at an empty bar stool. “Tequila shot, please.”  

Was this a moment where I wanted to step in and try to console this chick, or do I stir the pot (as in my nature), or should I completely ignore her? Choice is mine. “Hey girl, clearly you are in a not good spot. Would it help to talk it out? We will listen” 

“I, uh. Well my boyfriend Chris, he cheated before, when we were in college. But since then, he’s been all into me. And things have been good. But the last month or so, I felt like he was lying to me, and then I discovered he’d been cheating on me. Again. I confronted him about it, and he tried to tell me that we should have a poly relationship, and bring Jessica into our daily routine, even suggested we get a three bedroom apartment so we could all live together and each have our own room. I sat their stunned, and didn’t know what to do. I initially, asked questions, appearing to go along with it; he said she was a bartender here. And that’s when I flipped.

I actually called up here one night and accused whoever it was that answered the phone of being Jessica.” “Yeah, that was me. I told you we don’t have a Jessica that works here. I’m Katie, nice to meet you.” 

“I’m so sorry. I was so overcome with rage after Chris and I had that conversation, I didn’t know what else to do. He was standing next to me, and when he didn’t phase at my reaction, I assumed he was lying to me again. But still, I couldn’t help but to try and believe him still. So after trying to get into his phone for the last few days, and not finding anything, I couldn’t keep putting him off any longer, he needed an answer about whether Jessica could move in. So, now I can’t figure out if he is completely fucking with me, or if this is a thing that’s going to actually happen.” 

“Damn sweetie, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Get rid of this dude now. He clearly is a liar and doesn’t actually give a fuck about you” 

“So, can I jump in for a moment? Hi, I’m Jessica. I don’t work here, but am a regular and friends with quite a few of the bartenders. I’ve been seeing a guy named Chris, but had no idea he had a girlfriend. He didn’t tell me that. Said he had a roommate, named Serena, is that you?”     

The Formative Years

I’m learning you can tell alot about someone how they describe their formative years, especially when talking about sex; as if there is anything else anyone cares above from your formative years. Reminiscing about not just the how one lost their virginity stories; but the details about what lengths some people would go to for sex, can be hilarious and telling.
While most people I know have stories of sex in their bedroom, or a siblings bedroom, some even in their parents bedroom; or friends parents bedroom; all while everyone was out of town, away at work, or even more dangerously during a house party. I’m pretty sure everyone also has a car story, and those are a lot more fun.

Some of the most telling car stories I’ve heard, drive home the point that teenagers don’t have very good sex. I mean, sure it may have been good at the time, but what was there to compare it too? 

Backseat car story: Some mutual friends set them up, they went on a double date, and then he offers to drive her home, even though the girls rode together to dinner. She accepts, because yes, they were having fun. He asks her if she wants to go park in a secluded spot he knows, so they can get to know each other better. Of course she does. They sit in the front for a bit, getting to know each other, which turns into making out. As the windows start to get steamy, he suggests they move to the backseat. More room to explore each other. So moved to the backseat, it was a car, she doesn’t remember what kind, the back seat was roomy enough to explore, for sure. Things turned into car sex, which of course was not great, while the backseat was roomy, he was a big dude and it wasn’t that roomy. Apparently he asked her if he could do anal, to which she claims she didn’t really hear him and agreed anyway. [clearly inexperienced idiot]. they tried to change positions and when that certainly didn’t happen very smoothly, they just gave up.

Frontseat car story: I had this truck that had a full bench seat in the front. My high school girlfriend and I once had sex while I was driving. Then when we were just making out, I hit a brick mailbox and dented my fender. Man, they don’t make trucks like they used to. I was so proud we didn’t hit anything whilst having sex, yet, a little kissing and I fucking hit something. Oh well.I had so many questions to that one. But goes to show, teenagers don’t know how to have good sex, like was it really that good if you didn’t have to take your eyes of the road; or maybe it was just that quick?

Some other more random and funny or just weird ones Ive heard, can also give you some insight into a person. I mean, WE all have these stories, but it can be telling on which ones we decide to share. What do these say about us, or maybe it’s to show how far we’ve come since the formative years.

I had this one boyfriend, he would come over when my parents were at my brothers ball games. We always timed it so he’d arrive right after they left; a few times we almost got busted, because my parents saw him down the road as they were leaving. But anyhow, he would show up right after they left, and we would know we had about 90 mins to play. We never thought to use an alarm clock or kitchen timer; this was back in the day before all things clocks and timers were on our cellphones. So we would play a CD, specific ones of course, can’t quite remember exactly which right now, but we’d know when the music stopped it was time for him to go. Well, this one time, I guess I was fucking with the settings on my dad’s new 5-CD Player that had a remote (so ahead of his time, back then) and was listening to music before he got there, and had a second CD ready to play once he arrived. Well… we lost track of time and my parents showed up he was still there. Oh the music was still playing, because that second CD I switched to, well, i had it programmed to only play one song, on repeat. So for almost two hours, neither one of us noticed it played Jewel’s ‘You Were Meant For Me’. I mean I was sappy back then, and he liked that song too. So ya, we didn’t actually get caught by my parents, but it cost me paying my brother $50 to keep him quiet. Damn technology.

While her music choice doesn’t leave a lot to be desired, kudos for use of technology, and keeping mom and dad in the dark. And I will say, they probably did have some good sex, if he was over for 90+ mins once a week; otherwise, they dumb. To wrap up this fun game of reminiscing of our formative years, I’ll leave this one for you to ponder what it says about him:

The THING to do at my school, was to have sex under the bleachers. Sure a few classmates actually pulled it off during a game, mostly it happened during school hours or on nights/weekends, when not many people were around. A few friends of mine actually thought it was funny to have multiple girls show up and let them pick which one of the guys they wanted and they would all fuck together. Personally, I don’t actually believe it ever happened that way. But this one time that I had sex under the bleachers, this chick Christine, I was crushing on her hard that year. I didn’t think she really knew who I was, we only had one class together. But one day, after that class, she struck up conversation, which we continued all week. On Friday, she told me she’d like to climb my beanstalk under the bleachers. I was shocked, but manned up and was like, ok, let’s go. So we arranged to meet there a little while later. I won’t sugar coat this, I was so nervous, not only was this CHRISTINE, but i’d never had sex, or even made-out under the bleachers; or in that much of a public, anyone could walk up on us at any time. I was kinda shy. I must hav been chewing a big wad of gum; that’s what I do when I’m nervous. Somehow, I forgot to spit it out, it ended up in her mouth, than back in mine, and then I lost track of it when things got hot and heavy. She again told me she wanted to climb my beanstalk, and I panicked for a second because I forgot to ask my friends what that move actually was. I told her okay, and she moved us down a bit to where there was this kinda seat thing. She had me sit down and she wanted to ride my cock like that; oh, I understood, it wasn’t really some crazy move or thing. In retrospect, I should have probably not dropped my pants to my ankle, I mean sitting like that, i could certainly have kept them mostly on (in which case the next part would probably not have happened). So we go to fucking, and somehow, that wad of gum was on the chair or fell from whereever, and with all the movement, started to make its way inbetween my ass cheeks for sure, and then on the bottom of my hairy balls, and then somehow, it was fucking everywhere. Gum, in all the pubic hairs and all over my ass. It was definitely an experience that made the record books; and was the last time I had sex outside in a public place.

Bachelor Party Woes

Planning a bachelor party should be a slam dunk, easy peasy, right? What is there to really plan, a bunch of guys get together, without the ladies, drink, maybe do something manly like play golf or fish, and go to a strip club. Is there really planning involved? That’s what I thought when I agreed to be in charge of Ryan’s. This would be a piece of cake.

That’s when I started to hear stories about what some of the other dudes have been involved with. 

For Rat’s, they were doing a weekend at the camp. On the way there, stopped at a gas station and made him put on a velvet track suit, straight out of the 70s. Then proceeded to lock his suitcase, so he had no options for other clothes. They went to the strip club that night, velvet track suit and all. All was fun, lots of shots, lots of beers, decent looking ladies. Rat almost lost his shit in excitement when he was called up to the stage with two of the more attractive strippers. He was strutting his stuff down the catwalk in his track suit, beautiful scandously clad lady on either arm. That’s when the strippers turned him around and SMACK, one of them smacked him across the face. Then turned him around so the other could too. This went on for minutes, until eventually, he was on the ground and they were literally beating him up. No telling how far that would have actually gone; because at that moment, the Strip Club was raided by the police and the night ended. Rat is still famous at that strip club for having that epic night, and taking it like a man, in his velvet track suit. His picture is behind the bar in a frame, and he is always allowed a free round or two when he goes there.

Josh’s friends were slightly cunning and assholes for his. Hilarious though. They were out of town for the weekend, they ended up in Destin. Who doesn’t love a good beach trip, right? Well they had this great idea to bring back some of their college memories and do a scavenger hunt. Heard there was options that you could buy, but true to their fraternity days, they made one up. Having not a clue if it was actually going to be doable. Some of the items on the list were pretty sketchy – used penis rings, virgin blow-up doll with blonde hair, picture with a drug dealer during the transaction. Then there was pretty normal things, get a female bartender to take a shot with you, do a bodyshot of a random red head, get a married woman to kiss him, leave a tag in a men’s room. But wait, there was more. His friends thought it would be funny to find the raunchiest cologne possible, buy it all, and constantly dousse him with it. Like dump on his head, fill a water gun with it and randomly spray. It was fun and games, yet quickly everyone out and about in their area knew who they were and what they were up to. Could smell him from so far away. Made it really hard to complete his items on the list.

Well damn, those were way more exciting and planned out that what I was thinking. And certainly more than what I’ve experienced. I’ve been to a few, for Jared, Tim, Kyle & Mike. We did the beach trip for one, but didn’t do anything crazy besides start each day with Car Bombs; and everytime Tim said his fiancee’s name, he would have to do another. We did a poker tournament, casino style for Jared. Kyle’s was probably the closest to what I envisioned, we went to Twin Peaks for lunch and stayed through dinner time drinking, then got back to the hotel room we rented, and a couple of strippers showed up to give us some lap dances.

So…. any suggestions for how I can up my game for this bachelor party I am planning?

She loves me not

Tonya, Tammy, John and I had gotten tickets to see a few bands in a town a few hours away. We often did things like this, go on adventures out or in town. Most the time it was the 4 of us, occassionally it was a larger group of 6-8. Sometimes people were slightly interchangable; but most of our adventures included the 4 of us. 

It’d been this way for almost 2 years now. It started with Tammy and John dating. Each of us were friends with at least 1 of them, and when they started dating, the group of us all became closer. It wasn’t ever weird with the four of them; didn’t ever feel like a 3rd wheel or even a double date. We just all enjoyed hanging out together. It kinda became a thing.

Silly me, developed feelings for Tonya. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that most of the time it was the 4 of us. Sure, John and Tammy, didn’t rub their relationship in our faces while we were all out. But I started to notice the little things between them; the brush of their hands while we were walking down the street, not quite hand-holding, but not just an accidental touch. The quick I love you kisses, when they thought no one was looking; the silent glances of admiration when the other’s laugh reached their eyes. All that definitely helped make me long for someone I could share those things with as well.

What is it they say about out of sight, out of mind? I think the opposite is also true. When you spend enough time with someone, you start to develop feelings for them. Sure, there has to be something there, some sorta spark to begin with, I don’t think it can just happen with anyone; but with that spark and then time. It’s almost a natural progression for feelings to form. Isn’t that a thing?

At some point in the last few months, I’ve started to have feelings, romantic feelings for Tonya. Sure when we were together, we were flirty, and even sometimes our random texting conversations were on the edge of inappropriate flirty. I never could really tell if Tonya did have feelings for me too, or if this was just all fun. I wanted to just ask; but, I was scared. I didn’t want to disrupt the dynamic if she didn’t feel the same.

I had this feeling that this weekend, the time was right. We had gotten two hotel rooms, because it was an anniversary of some length for John and Tammy, so they wanted to get their own room. Originally, there was going to be two more friends coming with us, Kyle & Matt; but they backed out. Even still, it didn’t seem awkward, but more of perfect timing for me, that Tonya and I would be sharing a room. Sure we’d slept in the same bed, tons of time. Plus expecting 2 more, I had gotten a room with 2 beds, and probably a couch.

We had quite the adventure on the way out of town. Flat tire 30 minutes in; then 15 mins back on the road and we get stuck behind an accident. Waze had us get off to avoid it, which took us through a quaint little town that the girls had to get out and take pictures at. Finally, we arrived and checked in, and they didn’t have my reservation, and were all out of rooms. I could see the disappointment in Tammy’s face, thinking she would have to share her room with us as well; it was the polite and generous thing to do. Then, the hotel attendant declared the presidential suite was empty, and since it was their mistake; I had the confirmation email; she would put us in it for the same price i requested. Score 1 for me!!!

After a quick refresh, we all met for drinks and dinner before the concert. All night, Tonya was bitching to Tammy about how much she likes Kyle and she was disappointed that he didn’t make this trip. It was kinda weird at first, hearing her talk about him; then it was just annoying that she didn’t involve me or John in her conversation. A few times we tried to change the subject, but she just didn’t seem to care. It was definitely annoying. 

Besides being heartbroken by both the fact that Tonya was into Kyle, and not me; and that she was the kind of person to not care if she was ruining other people’s night by her trivial drammatic outbursts; the concert was great. By the time we had actually gotten to the concert, Tonya seemed to have said all she needed to about Kyle and was ready to actually have fun. John and I let them do their girl thing for a bit, the Tammy wanted to dance to the songs and have fun with John; so it was back to a group thing. Thank God for Tammy to then still including me as part of the group, like normal. She even did tell me at some point, she saw my disappointment and felt bad for how this played out. ‘Good news’ she said ‘at least you found out before you made a fool or yourself; or worse, something happened in that presidential suite of yours’. I laughed at that. Leave it to Tammy to always find the brightside in the situation.

The concert ended, we had a nightcap at the hotel bar. I had a feeling that Tonya was a little drunk, hell, I think we all were by this time. She wanted to keep drinking, Tammy & John were ready to call it a night; and Tonya told them to go-on; I’d stay and drink with her still. As soon as they left, Tonya upped her flirting game with me. It was fun and all, but I was guarded; having been disappointed by her. After the bar essentially kicked us out, and we headed to the Presidential Suite. The bed was large enough, we could both sleep in it, but I kinda wanted to play it coy for a while. There was a pull-out bed too.

On the elevator, she leaned in and kissed me. Like really tried to kiss me. I played coy, as the door opened to our floor and we got out. She grabbed my hand, and we walked down the hall that way. Once in the room, she tried again to come in for a kiss. This time, I let her know “No. I spent hours listening to you talk about how much you were in love with Kyle , and wish he was here instead of me. I’m not going to fucking touch you tonight. In fact, I can call the maid to set up the pull-out couch for you if you’d like. Save you the trouble of making it up yourself.”

The look on her face was priceless. I almost didn’t get past 10 seconds without busting out in laughter. Sure, after I cracked up, I told her she could sleep on the couch; but she could also sleep in the bed with me. It was big enough, and we’d done it before with no issues.

What’s your dominant…?

Let’s talk about the word dominant. This word definitely has many meanings based on context. Although dictionary says: governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence; we definitely have taken that to a different level.

Dominant hand in doing anything, writing, batting, sports, etc…. and then there is the Dominant is a relationship. The one who is actually charge. To even a more sexual sub-culture, a dominant and a submissive; the Dominant holding all the cards and giving all the comands, while the submissive just does whatever the dominant says. These roles can be limited to just the bedroom, or relationships in general these days.

While, I’m happy to play those games on occassion, Hell, who doesn’t want someone to make all the decisions on occassion; that’s not the lifestyle for me. But I am increasingly interested in the use of the word dominant hand.
I walked into a conversation once, where a girl was having a chat with some dudes, about masturbation and dominant hand. She exclaimed that somestimes she masturbates with her non-dominant hand to pretend that its someone else touching her. They all laughed, and I did too. Although, laughing wasn’t my first instinct. I had more questions. How can you literaly touch yourself and pretend its someone else; that’s some legit denial situation happeneing.

Years later, I hear of some show telling young men they should finger a girl only with your non-dominant hand; so later, when you masturbate you can smell the fingers of your non-dominant hand; while you are stroking your shaft with your dominant hand, like you should; so you can imagine the gist of her and get yourself off faster. I wonder; is that really a thing?

So I decided to poll my friends, and this is the result:
Those whose dominant hand is the right, this question was fairly easy to answer. Always or almost-always with the right hand. Using the left was not a thing.

For those lefties, the question of what does it take to be your dominant hand. For instance, which hand you write with? or swing a bat with? Didn’t consider the fact that often everyone is taught to use their right hand for many things, even though it feels more natural to use the left. That complicates the answer. But once we established that dominant hand is whichever one feels natural to you, the same result. Dominant hand wins out.

So my conclusion is, the chick that likes to masturbate with her other hand to pretend its someone else; she has one Hell of an immagination, or she just crazy.

And those guys that want to use their non-dominant hand on me now, so they can masturbate and smell me at the same time, my response to you: are you 12? Do you think I’m going to cut you off of playtime, after you get to third base? (That’s what it was in middle school, right, third base) And then i’m not going to recipricocate. I mean sure, I’ve experienced the times where we start to fool around, and one should likely start there; and then we fell asleep/passed out/whatever… but that was both of us. So I find it utterly absurd to think that you will need to satisfy yourself later after we are done. If that is truly the case; then man up and let a girl know. We may be greedy sometimes, but fuck that noise. If you get me off, especially a few times; I owe you to at least get you off once.

Movie Theater Joke

Just a few guys having a chill night by seeing a movie. Todd and Charlie put a Miller Lite in each pocket before going in. They had done this before. Get in, sit in the back row and crack a couple beers during the movie. As soon as they did, Shane was pissed that he didnt have one too. Todd told him to take his ass to the car and get a few, like them. Instead of grabbing a couple  he grabbed the entire case. Shane just casually walked back into the movie theater, with a case of Miller tucked under his arm, past the concessions and ticket taker, and into the theater, back to his seat.

Of course some dude that works there, followed behind him a minute later, and was like what are you doing? You can’t bring that in here. Shane replied, without missing a beat, “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t aware.” in a beautiful British Accent. To which the employee asked where he was from. Shane’s reply, not here. Where I live this is ok. Again in the accent. The employee, told them all, because clearly he caught everyone with our cans too; to step outside and finish the beers, put the rest in the car, and to enjoy their movie, and The States.

How could they have let this luck get away from them, after that awesome exchange? So after the movie, they hit the bar. As luck would have it, Shane kept his British accent up all night. He even ended up going home with a girl because of it. In fact they kinda dated for a few weeks. Damn Shane kept the accent up the whole time. It was sad in the end, he really did like this girl, but he’d been lying to her or she’d been an idiot; so….

After a afternoon long sex session, where Shane nearly forgot twice to keep up the accent, he decided he was done with the charade, and was going to come clean. After some food they were sitting on the couch watching TV, and he was about to come clean, when she looked over at him, and asked him to be exclusive with her, and be her actual boyfriend. So, now was as good as a time as ever, thought Shane; he responded “I don’t think that’s a good idea” in his normal accent. She just looked at him like he sprouted a horn on his head. “I’m sorry that I’ve lied to you, but this isn’t going to work out.” She was still speechless, still no words, or even acknoweldgement of understanding in her face, she was straight deer in headlights. He tried again “Susan, this is the real me. That accent, well, it started as a joke to prevent my boys and I from getting into a little trouble, and well, I just kept it going. Then when we met, it was fun, and you digged it. I didn’t think I’d see you again after that night”. 

‘Wait, how is your American accent so good. Have you been practicing for when you meet my parents nextweekend. You are the sweetest, Shane.’

“No, wait what? I don’t think you are understanding me. I am NOT British. I’ve been lying to you for weeks. I’m sorry. I like you and all, but this isn’t how to start a relationship”

She was speechless, didn’t say another word, Shane waited a few more minutes, then just walked out.

Epic Halloween

This Halloween was EPIC. Karen’s costume was On Point. Her out-of-town boyfriend was in and agreed to finally do a couples costume with her. She chose Beetlejuice, the wedding scene. She scoured the thrift stores for the rattiest suit and something red for herself. Done.

Her costume was so perfect, red pouffy tafetta dress with red tufts in her jet black wig, up-do styled by the dead. Karen was normally a blond with very peach skin. But this night, she was Lydia Deetz, jet black hair and snow white skin. In her full outfit, even her boyfriend Jerry barely recognized her as Karen. He looked pretty stellar himself, channeling his inner Michael Keaton as B… They looked great. Wasn’t any way that anyone would have to ask what they were dressed as.

They went to the first stop, one of her classmates parties. After getting a drink and making the rounds, Karen found it super odd the way her friends were acting. They barely said hello, then turned back to their prior conversations. What the hell. Jerry wanted to go out for a smoke, so she obliged. They ran into Chels outside smoking, and engaged in conversation. After a few minutes, Chels exclaimed “Wait.. I’m sorry, but Karen, is that you?” Ya, of course it’s me. Who did you think it was? “Shit. I had no idea, you look amazing with black hair, I assume that’s a wig. Fuck, I didn’t recognize you at all”  Of, well fuck. Maybe that’s why Abby and John were acting all weird, you think they didn’t recognize me either? Let’s go fuck with them, and see who they thought I was.

That was fun, since Jerrry didn’t live in town, most of Karen’s friends had only met him once or twice; not enough to really remember and recognize him in costume. But the fact that Karen wasn’t really recognizable either, to people she spent countless hours with every week all semester. Damn.
With their new found confidence in their costumes and a little liquid encouragement from some of her friends; they decided to go to a local bar and enter into the costume contest. Luck would have it, they actually won. That excitement and continum of drinking led to some high sexual tension between Karen and Jerry; not to mention that he drove in that afternoon and they straight went into getting him dressed so not to be late to the party.
Jerry had the idea that they could go have a quickie in the bathroom at this bar, and no one would really notice. Plus sex in a public restroom was on their “sex bucket list”. So what if this bathroom only was a single, it was still a public place and a bathroom, and besides they could do it again somewhere else, but they were gonna have sex now.

So into the bathroom they go, together. They had been heavily making out in the middle of the bar, so there was little to no extra foreplay needed at this point; now in the bathroom, Jerry was rearing to go. Karen, however, was in a very complicated multiple layer outfit, that while included all sexy materials: lace, satin and mesh; did not allow for easy access. Jerry tried to undo the zipper, but nope, that was stuck; damn thrift store purchase. Then he tried to prop her on the sink, and was just going to rip at the tights, but again nope. The hoop skirt portion of the skirt and all the added tulle made for a super uncomfortable situation for both of them. Satin and hoop in her face, and tool and satin and hoop all in the way for him. Super frustrated, he wipped her back on her feet and spun her around and bent her over the sink; He didn’t care that the hoop and crap would be out of the way and on her back, while her face was flush against the mirror; he needed his dick inside of her NOW.

Second thrust in, and CRACK. Her head which was flush against the mirror had moved enough, that the damn bobby pins holding her head things in smashed against the mirror and somehow cracked it. They laughed, confirming no personal damage done and kept going. Jerry was so rile up, that it was pretty rough; but people were starting to knock on the door, wanting in. So he needed to make it quick, which typicaly meant a little rougher. He reached around to massage her clit too, knowing she needed to get off too; when that change in motion caused just enough to knock the sink off the wall. Not totally of course, but it was no longer level against the wall, and the pipe underneath was spewing small amount of water. Not a major leak, just a heavy dripp. Fuck. Now he couldn’t finish, and neither did she. But um, yes, in the commotion, he successfully managed to rip the zipper clean out of the seam, so she now was having to hold her costume dress up, and closed in the back.

They cleaned up the best they could, and hastily left the bathroom, to an unsupecting small line of other patrons, which they told, that one was out of order. Thank god, they had paid cash and not opened a tab. They definitely snuck out without saying goodbye.



This thing happened the other night. It’s kinda hilarious. kinda weird. And definitely will not happen again.

Not sure if it tells better if I give the background to the story or not. But here it goes..

So this guy was over, after hours, I was a little drunk, not sure if he was or not. But he definitely wasn’t completely sober. And, well, we were fucking, in my bed. Well, the headboard to my bed is essentially a bookshelf. Cool right. Well this was practically the first guy that I had invited over. And, while we were fucking, well… let me paint the scene for you.

So it was not quite missionary, but I was on my back and he had my legs up, and he was fucking me, hard, just the way I like it. When my Magic Box falls off the top shelf of the bookshelf headboard, and opens up and spews magic toys all over the bed. So yeah, by magic toys I mean dildos, and vibrators, and magic balls and naughty lingerie. He literally stopped fucking me, and penis still inside of me, said… what the fuck is that?  Clearly, he was refering to the fact that there now was dildos strewn across my bed, and other sex toys. I was so embarrassed, but; at the same time not. Was it so bad that he knew the real me, the me, that was into kinky sex stuff, and can never get enough sex? 

So in his stopping of thrusting, he picks up a clit massager, and was like, what is thing? Yes, dude, its what you think it is; can we ignore that, and keep fucking me. Your penis is still inside of me. Then he picks up “The Moby Dick” and was like, FUCK, I can’t compete with that. Nah dude, that’s not lifesize, but bigger. I can’t actually fit that, I was over zealous when I ordered that.

I hastily put all the toys and stuff back in the box, and just wanted it to be fine, so he would keep fucking me like he was before, the Box incident. He helped put the toys in the box, and exclaimed that  next time, we would explore what they did. Ha. Next time, who the fuck was he kidding; there would definitely not be a next time.

So the Magic Box, was now back on the shelf, and the fucking resumed, and all was right in the world again. I got off and all was good. There was still this looming awkwardness, becuase with this dude, I didn’t need the Magic Box to get off, and it was Vanilla as fuck. Bit in this scenario, not totally a bad thing. If only I was willing to fuck him again, the magical times we could have with The Magic Box….

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