EMBARRASSED

Most embarassing story of my life. Well, the parts I remember are super embarassing, the parts other people have filled in, is more embarassing, but since I don’t actually remember those, they didn’t happen, right? I’m sharing my most embarassing story with you all now, so that you can learn from where I went wrong, and don’t embarass yourself the same way. Bare with me on the back story, I feel like it helps to set the tone of that dreadful night.


So here I was, just moved to a new city for grad school. I didn’t know a single person in town besides a few professors I had met during pre-acceptance interviews and visits. I rented an apartment sight unseen based on a recommendation from a friend that had previously lived in that town as a child, and proximity to campus. The online reviews were okay, but I didn’t put much stock into those. What normal person has time to actually do a review?


My big move-in weekend arrived, I had a couple of friends help me move, I didn’t have a lot of big stuff. Actually, I had no big stuff besides a TV. Just some clothes and stuff. I had gotten a furnished apartment, so just two cars full of stuff was all I had. When I arrived to the apartment clubhouse to check in and get my keys, everythings seemed great. Unfortunately, I’d be on the second floor, but that didn’t matter much, it wasn’t like we were moving furniture. I went in first, and bam, no furniture. As my doting friends made trips carrying in my stuff, I went back to the clubhouse office to see what the deal was. They found where I had agreed for a furnished apartment, but apparently Karen didn’t make the order with the furniture company and doesn’t work there anymore, so? They placed an order, but it would be a few days before it could get there. No major problem there, I have a bean bag I can sleep on for a few nights, or maybe be a little mischevious and spend the night somewhere else?
My friends had already gotten a hotel room for two nights, so I ended up crashing with them. We all got so drunk, that we ended up fallining alseep in just one room; most of us on the same bed. That’s how we roll. After my friends went home, I attempted to meet some of my neighbors, but they seemed like they didn’t care. OK, then.


First couple of days of class, I met a few classmates, most seemed nice enough, but everyone seemed pretty well established in town. The first weekend I went out of town to see some friends. They gave me the confidence boost that once I return, I should go check places out by myself, and make some new friends. I am awesome and people like me. It was almost a dare.


That Monday in class, I casually asked if anyone wanted to grab drinks or dinner that evening. One taker, Jenny, said she could meet me for a drink later that evening. She suggested a beer bar, I said sure, no way was I going to not let her choose the place. We exchanged numbers and she agreed to meet me around 7. I looked the place up online and saw they also had food, perfect. I was starving already, not having time or desire to grocery shop since I got back from out of town.


I showed up to the bar really early, planning to eat and scope it out before Jenny was set to arrive. It seemed unusually busy for a Monday evening, but that reaffirmed for me it was a great spot. I was able to snag two stools at the bar.  The two bartenders seemed nice enough, a blonde and a guy with a beard. Let let me try a bunch of beers, I found a couple I liked and drank and ate, waiting on Jenny.


After a little while, there were a lot of people there. Apparently, there was a big sports championship game on TV that a lot of people came out to watch. About 645, Jenny messaged me that she wasn’t going to make it. Damn. Well already a few beers in, I might as well stay and drink.
Giving up my second saved stool, I thought maybe this would be an opportunity to randomly meet and chat with someone else. So I switched to vodka soda, thinking that’d be less bloated feeling than the beer. Soon enough my plan was working; there was a natural break next to me, so many people that came up to the bar to order more drinks came and stood by me. Most of them struck up conversation with me, nothing spectacular or love at first sight; but took some of the boredom out of my night. I even tried to watch the “big game” but didn’t have a clue what was going on, so gave that up quickly. A few people even bought me a shot. Shots are definitly not my favorite, but hey, when a cute boy is buying, why say no.


Watching this sad girl talk to everyone that got close enough to hear her for the last couple of hours was pretty pathetic. You could tell she was lonely, and I felt a twinge of empathy for her, but watching  this shit show unfold, was definitely her doing. I hope she was trying to make a joke when she pressured Ryan to buy her a shot, while talking to him about the last goal scored. I suppose, technically a touchdown is a goal scored, but she seemed too intelligent to that point, not get it. Ryan thought she was cute so bought her a couple of shots, all in all, even though he had no intentions for her. She didn’t know that. So sad.

Switching to vodka soda and doing shots, after drinking a few beers, was maybe not the best idea. It certainly made me have to pee, a lot. I think this last time I went to the bathroom, I might have been a litte tipsy. I don’t think I was walking straight for sure. Maybe this was a good time to switch to water and sober up a bit before going home. But when I got back to my stool, I saw someone had brought me another vodka soda and was waiting to take another shot. Well damn, this guy was cute. He bought me a shot a while ago, I think he said his name was Kevin, or Kyle, maybe? We did the shot, I thanked him for the drinks, and he stood there while we chatted for a while. He was asking all kinds of questions, jeez, I hope I didn’t sound as drunk as I felt.


Damn, who gave that chick another shot. Damn it Kyle, I aught to cut him off too. She definitely needs to be cut off now. I’m going to just bring her a water. I have a feeling she’s going to be the death of us tonight. This should have been a nice easy night. Fuck, did she just fall off the stool. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Okay, definitely done drinking and switching to water now. I almost fell off my bar stool, again. Of course, the cute boy talking to me saw it. He acted like he didn’t care, which is cool. He also asked me to come home with him and his girl friend; well damn, I wasn’t that drunk. Not into that kind of thing. Well, mostly not into it, not in my first month here. I don’t know what that scene is like here. Thank God, the hot bartender brought me a water; its like our brain waves connected.


My water kept getting refilled, so i’m not sure how many I had. I was feeling pretty good, peed a lot more, feeling pretty good. So when that guy Ryan offered me another round on him, how could I refuse. Damn, that last shot with him was good. He was cute, maybe he’d ask me to come home with him. He kept buying my drinks and shots all night, he had to be single right? Unless this was a known swinger/hook-up spot and I just didn’t know that. I mean, it didn’t have the kind of vibe for that sorta of place, at least in my experience, but hey – new town, who knows.
Dammnit. I’m gonna kill her for letting that chick get another drink. Just because she drank some waters, doesn’t mean she needed more.I guess the game is over, this bar seemed to really clear out. One last shot from the cute boy I can’t remember his name. Oh well, fuck… that last one hit differently. Maybe I’ve had to much, I better go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face.


FUCK. Is she throwing up on the floor? FUCK. Let me push her  towards the bathroom at least, its easier to clean up in there. Why is it this hard to herd a drunk chick, usually its not this difficult. Why does she keep stopping. Ugh….. OH UGGG….. She just wiped her throw-up covered hand all over my face, I think it got in my mouth…. What the fuck is wrong with her? Finally, she’s in the bathroom, I’ll deal with her later. Going to  throw-up and clean my head now, so fucking gross. What the FUCK.I guess I’m clean enough for now, let me go check on this chick. What the fuck? Why is she naked, and in the middle of the floor. I can’t, I’m done, I’m tapping out.That chick, she sure enough was naked. Not only did she take her clothes off, she put them in the sink and because of the faucets being automatic, her clothes were completely soaked. I can’t even with this. What possesses someone to do that, in a public restroom? Luckily she had stopped throwing up, and seemed to just be mostly passsed out. I found a  large tshirt from a vendor in the back, I dressed her in it and  got her to sit up. Since we pretty much closed early, not dealing with this, and it fit her like a dress, I convinced her to come back and sit on the bar stool. Drink more water and close out her tab. Also, how the fuck was her tab only $40, half of which was food, and she was this drunk. Damn boys getting her ass drunk. I remember not keeping that last shot down, and then drinking water again at the bar. I was ready to go home. I closed out my tab, which was a little more than I planned on, but hey it wasn’t too bad. I think I went ahead and tipped well.
She was barely awake at the bar, I would have expected her to tip a little more, but 20% isn’t bad.I can’t believe she let her sit back at the bar, butt-ass naked, and fed her more water. And fuck her tip, I deserved more than 20% to deal with that.I don’t remember getting home. But woke up in my parking lot in my car, in a t-shirt that wasn’t mine at 6am, with my clothes wet in a bag. What the hell happened, and how did I get here?


I’m done with this chick. She won’t tell us her address so we can’t send her home in a car. Her phone is dead. I’m going to put her in her car, and throw the keys in the backseat and hope for the best. She’s gonna pass out again as soon as she falls asleep. If I see her leave within the next few minutes, I’ll just call the cops and report her. I’m ready to go home for a real shower and I gotta get this work done, I can’t be having her throw up in here again.Well she lasted almost 2 hours, before she took off. All the best to her. We are NEVER serving her again here.

So moral of my story, is don’t drink to much when you are by yourself.

My Friend Dig

Let me tell you about my friend Adam. We called him The Digger, sometimes I shorten that to just Dig. That’s more fun to tell people. They usually don’t ask. But occassionally they do. So this is the story behind it.


Adam was our player friend in college. He was always bringing home a different girl. Sometimes they hung around for a couple of weeks, like literally we saw them 24/7 for a couple of weeks, we’d refer to them as this month’s clinger. But mosty it was a one night situation. The older we got though, the less frequent his visitors became. I don’t want to think he was doing anything wrong or different, but my girlfriend informed me that he was getting creepy, continuing to try and get the youngest girls, and not sticking to his appropriate age group.
So fast forward, Adam is in all of his friends weddings, as we all settled down when we found the one. And he is creepily still trying to hook up with 20 year olds, even when living in his Dad’s shed. Yup, you read that correctly, he is living in his father’s shed. He converted the shed to a living space, if you can call it that. No windows, a door that can be locked, no running water, he has a bucket in the corner he pees in. He does have electricity and a refridgerator. But yeah, its still a fucking shed. That’s the kind of pathetic guy Adam is. But we still are friends with him, because we grew up with him, you know.


Okay, so back to the story behind the name. One of our friends got divorced after just a couple of years, so a couple of us were trying to support him, and we ended up going out for drinks once a week or so. We weren’t necessarily trying to get Gabe hooked up, but just offer some support. Adam didn’t get that memo. On more than one occassion of our weekly hang-outs, we caught him in the bathroom or on the patio or even outside the door, always with what we assume was an underage, and every time elbow deep in her pants.
Over a couple of months, it was the same, just about weekly with Adam. I tried to remind him why we were getting together, and it was to support Gabe. And his propensity to act like a man whore wasn’t really helping. Especially since, as it turned out, his marriage ended because Gretchen found a much older man to be her sugar daddy and didn’t want to be married to Gabe anymore. He just didn’t see the issue, why the friend group consistently called him douche canoe.


One night in particular, I remember was the absolute reason The Digger stuck. We went to a different place than normal, trying to mix it up. We had a table in what they called ‘The Lounge’, sounds fancy but really was just some old gross couches instead of regular chairs. Adam was actually sticking with the group. I assumed it was because this wasn’t a place where there were a lot of young girls, at least not on a Wednesday night. We were thinking he was taking a long time to bring back another round or hit the head, but assumed that meant he was just striking out. Otherwise, he wouldn’t return at all. It turns out that place got pretty packed that night before we all shut it down. Right before Gabe and I decided to leave, Adam was supposed to be going to grab one more round, but he never returned, so we decided done. We headed to the bar to close our tabs, and see the douche canoe himself, Gabe at the bar with a young chick, elbow deep in her pants. AT THE BAR!
We stood back and watched him for a second, unsure of what we were actually seeing. Gabe said “Dude, it looks like he’s actually digging for gold in her fucking pants. New twist on the term golddigger, huh?” My reply. “That is solid gold, his new nickname, from now until forever shall be The Digger. He doesn’t even deserve the Gold part of what you said.”


Eventually, The Digger was shortened to just Dig, mostly by my wife who loves to hate Adam. For sure, she doesn’t actually hate him, but she doesn’t miss an opportunity to let him know he’s the worst. And when its a larger group of us or meeting new people, Dig is an easier thing than The Digger, which always led to questions. I’ll admit, Dig is a even a little douchier, but has less questions. When someone is around for long enough though, they always get the full Digger story.

William & Gracie??

Funny how things happen some time. I was told once, its not appropriate to say should or shouldn’t, but do or don’t. That what may happen in the future doesn’t matter, only what does or does not actually happen, matters.


So, Kathy matched with Michael on one of the dating apps. They exchanged some flirty banter; then he asked her what she was looking for. She, looking for something  real, and knowing that it was unlikely to find something actually real from an app, was skeptical, naturally. Kathy’s response was something new, no real expectations.


He said, are you good with just friendship? She responded, of course. I’m here for something real, whatever that looks like.


He responded with good. Because, I’m recently divorced and a closet gay, so I’m looking for someone that can help teach me the ropes. Have you ever been friends with a gay man?


Kathy said, sure. I’ve not bee in a strict Will & Grace situation, but yeah, I’m friends wit gay men.


Michael kept pushing the situation, of him being gay but behind the scenes, and not knowing how to act.
Sure, Kathy was supportive of Michael being who he wanted to be. Yes, she clearly wasn’t gonna get dick from him; but a new friend wasn’t the worst situation.


Yet, Michaels idea of a new “bestie” wasn’t quite normal. Apparently, he wanted someone to not only teach him the “ways of the gays” (what does that even mean), but to berate him and make an example of him being a shitty human; in public.


Conversation quickly went from; can you dominate and punish me for wasting a woman’s time for all these years, when clearly I wanted dick; to can you be pleasured by a man and then let me lick up their mess?


Kathy says; like please explain more. What do you mean, clean up their mess?


Michael shared, well, after you hook up with whatever guy, whether y’all just play around or have sex, I just know you will be dripping with juices of one sort of another; so, I want you to come over before the shower and let me lick up the remaining juices.


But you’ve told me you don’t like girls. Only men. So., why do you want to “lick the extra juices from me?” Sometimes, its a clean hook-up, I get that. But most the time, I suspect you will be dripping with juices, down your leg, all around your pussy. I was married, I can handling licking up the juices from wherever you have them.


I suppose that would be fine. If I’m home, you’d have to come to me after he leaves, I won’t leave first without cleaning up. And I definitely not letting hime spend the night.

I guess if I happen to go to his house, and he pleasures me, and then fucks me there. When we are done, I’m gonna leave and go home. So yeah, maybe in that scenario I would come to you and let you do your thing. I don’t have a lot of fuck buddies at the moment, but the one I do have; he’s not gonna creampie in me, so, you’ll absolutely only get my juices.

Cool.


So, when we hang out in public, are you going to be able to punish me?

If you deserve it?


So, spending 15 years married to a woman, when I like dick, doesn’t make me deserve it?


I hear you, and get your point. Yet,  everyone hides something from themselves and the outside world at some point; does that make you a bad person. No. Does it make you confused/lost; sure. Are you now actively trying to find yourself; sure. It’s okay; everyone deserves that. Can I paddle your ass with a legitamite wooden paddle; sure, I have one, I was greek in college,


But, can you punish me and berate me and discipline me in public?


Oh, so you are looking for a Dom. Yeah, I can do that. And not only do that, I will absolutely live up to all the fantasies you’ve shared with me, and probably some you haven’t. But, its’ going to be on my terms; and how I say. You sit back and listen.

So, yea, I can Dom you in public. I have no problem berating and being a complete dick/showing someone who is the boss; when they deserve it. I’m not sure you actually deserve it, but sounds like you actually want it.

truth time –

After your initiaal deserve it time ; I can only berate/degrade/be mean when you deserve it. Sure, I can be your DOM all the time; but sometimes I need a break, and will need to seek others for that outlook. So if thats all good, lets do this!!!

OH! Teacher

My friend Jack told me this incredibly unbelievable story that he hooked up with our teacher. I guess technically she was our former teacher, since we graduated High School last week. Still, I didn’t believe a word he said. This is the story he told:


At the post graduation baseball celebration ceremony dinner, most of the parents left and a bunch of us guys were shooting some basketballs around that Zack had broken into the closet to get. A few teachers, including  Ms. Sloan. As the crowd got smaller, someone snuck in a bottle of tequila and most of the guys and some of their girlfriends were drinking. Ms. Sloan told Assistant Principal Bellding that she’d stay with us stragglers and lock-up. “Give the boys this last  game of pick-up and good memories for their time here”. A while later, while people were cleaning up, leaving, and just kinda milliing around; Ms. Sloan threw me her keys and asked me to pull her car closer to the entrance. She drove a new cherry red Charger, so of course I jumped at it.  Her car smelled just like I imagined she did, you know up close. I didn’t give her keys back to her as soon as I had moved her car. Instead I waited for her to ask, when just about everyone else was gone. She asked me if I moved her car, and where her keys were. I said, yes, of course I did, and here there are; closing the distance between us, I went for it. I slapped her ass as I handed her the keys back.


She exclaimed “Oh! You Naughty Boy!”I told her ‘Yes, ma’am. School is over, you aren’t my teacher anymore, I saw my chance and did something I’ve been wanting to do for years'”Well, if we are going to do things like that, do not call me ma’am. You may call me Olga. And we should keep in touch, now that we are friends and all”


I was stunned, but definitely got her phone number. The next day was full of flirty conversations, where I confessed I’ve been daydreaming about seeing her naked body for a solid three-years. She invited me over, and I went. I showed up and she offered alcohol, weed, and food. So yea, I asked for food. She shared with me some kind of shark coochie board, it was basically cheese and meat. She pulled out and smoked from the coolest bong I’d ever seen. She put on a movie I actually wanted to see, and we started to watch.


Maybe 15 or 20 mins into the movie, she took her shirt off, exposing her sexy black bra, and straddled me, asking “Is this what you were expecting?” ‘Uh No. I had no expectations. But, now seeing this, I want to see the rest!’  And she obliged. Easy Peasy. No awkward conversations, or should we do this or not. Just boom, we were making out. Then we went to her bedroom. She stripped my clothes off and told me to lie on the bed. That moment was a little awkward for sure; but she came out of the bathroom in the sexiest black lacy lingerie I’ve ever seen. Damn, I thought I was going to bust a nut right then and there. We started to make out some more, and  started to really mess around. She asked if  I had brought a condom. ‘Shit. I didn’t. I don’t keep them on me. Damn’  “Don’t worry she said” as she reached over to this wooden box on her nightstand that I hadn’t noticed and  said “You have options. What’s your preference?” Looking through her box, she didn’t just have condoms in there, but I wasn’t caring about all of that, I just wanted to penetrate her. And so I did. A couple more times that evening and night before I went home.


So as much as I don’t think of Jack as a liar, I just can’t believe Ms. Sloan would have fucked him. I mean, I thought she was married. I met her husband at some of the basketball games last season. He insists it happened, and just like he said.  And that its’ been apparently happening frequently since then.


Not giving it much more thought, we made plans to hang out a few days after he told me about Olga. Honestly, I didn’t realize her first name was Olga, and that’s kind of a turn on, in a I’ve been naughty kind of teacher way. 


Jack called and told me to get ready, he’s picking me up in 10 minutes and we are going swimming. Awesome, I thought, I love going swimming. Hope the girls will be there, Marco Polo and Chicken Fights are my favorite way to flex my strength and throw the girls around.


We chatted about random stuff, mostly the shenanigans of our siblings on the way there. I forgot to even ask where we were going. He pulled into a neighborhood I didn’t recognize, slowed down, and said we are going to Olga’s Pool. I tried to keep a poker face, but was like, ‘Are you kidding me? You are joking right? Where are we really going?’ “Fine, don’t believe me. You’ll see. Just play it cool and don’t be a dick.”


I shit you not, we pulled up, and Olga greeted us at the door. She welcomed both us in as if it was a normal occurrence. Gave us both a big hello hug and kiss on the cheek. She immediately offered us beer and brought us to the pool. No awesome bong, I thought.  By the pool we listed to music drank some beer, and she brought out one of those Shark Coochie Boards that Jack told me about from “the first time”. And then she offered the bong. I was stunned, could Jack have been right all along? I grabbed another beer and got in the pool. I was slightly bummed that there weren’t any girls for me there; I mean I felt like Jack was too much of a prude to engage in a threesome with me.


Jack followed her inside for some bong action. Hahaha. Bong Action. More like bone action. They thought I haven’t seen them making eyes at each other, and slight inappropriate touches. After what I felt like was long enough to hit the bong a couple of times; I got out of the pool and peered into the window. Damn glad I did that.


They were in the kitchen, she must have dropped something, because she was bent over, her bikini still on, and he smacked her ass. I felt a twinge of regret for watching them through the window, like some Peeping Tom, but it soon passed. She stood up, turned around and kissed him. Like movie quality, all-in kiss. That was all he needed to pick her up off the ground and set her on the counter. They made out that way for another minute or two,  then she reached over and grabbed his hard cock out of his swim trunks. It wasn’t like I’ve never seen Jack’s dick before, but not quite like that. Yet, I couldn’t look away.


She stroked his dick, while they made out. Then she jumped down off the counter, and got on her knees, moved her bikini top so her breasts were fully exposed, and started giving Jack a BJ.  At this, I not only could not look away, it was like I was watching a porn, so my hand gravitated to my own cock. As her mouth sucked and licked, I stroked and stroked. He stopped her, probably to avoid prematurely finishing in her mouth, haha. Amature.  Lifted her off the floor, ripped her bikini bottoms off, like seriously I think he ruined them, and picked her up, sliding her onto his throbbing hard dick. I can’t say for sure if he did or did not mask up, but I didn’t care, I was moments away from finishing myself, good thing there was a plant I could splurge on. He carried her to the wall, so her back was up against it, whole time continuing to have her ride his cock. I’ll say, I was impressed. As she let out the muffled scream of what I imagined was her orgasm, I shuddered with my own. I tried to not make a noise, but unlike her, I didn’t have anyone’s hand over my mouth. I guess Jack heard my grunt, because he looked over, and we made eye contact. As I stood motionless, he went back to Olga, and banged her even harder, causing he to scream another orgasm and him to finish too.


Well, I’ll be damned. Jack didn’t lie about Olga, I guess his original story was believable after all.

Serena got played

 Katie answered the phone at work, like any other night, “The Booth, how can I help you?”. “I need you to stop sleeping with my boyfriend” came the sassy voice on the other end. “I’m sorry, who are you trying to reach?” “I know it’s you Jessica, stop fucking my boyfriend” “My name is Katie, and we don’t have a Jessica that works here, I think you have the wrong bar” “Well, you may not be Jessica, but you should tell her; I’m coming for her”. What the fuck, was all Katie could think. Clearly its not me, not this time anyhow.  

There were a few other girls that worked at The Booth besides Katie, Caroline but she was dating and living with another bartender there; so clearly it wasn’t her. Molly, but she was married and completely unlikely to be her. Kelsi was single, but didn’t appear to have been seeing anyone for a while now, not really since her last boyfriend, but that ended months ago. Sure she had hung out with a few guys here or there; but nothing lasted more than a couple of days, on purpose for her. Yet, Katie immediately called Kelsi to give her the heads up. 

They joked about it with their co-workers and some of their friends and regulars over the next couple of days. Assuming, some raunchy guy lied to his girlfriend when he got caught cheating on her.

There were plenty of bars in the area, it would be easy to lie about where ‘Jessica’ worked. That wasn’t even likely her name. How many times have you flirted with someone that was fun for the moment but knew it wasn’t going to be a thing, so gave them a fake name.  I know I personally, have played the game. I learned that in college, learning how to have some fun with these random fuk bois that thought they were the shit. Giving them a false name, and really, false personal detail all around was fun. I certainly had more fun talking to them when I knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere, and even more fun when they bought the clearly bullshit info I was giving them. Sure, my name is Anita. Cool, that’s a normal name. Believable. But my major is lion taming, or tambourine. Get real dudes. If they were real douchy, I would start off with my full alter ego name; Anita Dick. Or if I was being a little more coy, Anita Richard. Classic. 

A week or so after the phone call, when everyone had forgotten about it. Until, the mystery caller actually showed up looking for Jessica. Molly and Kelsi were working, Katie was actually sitting at the bar with her friend enjoying a drink, plot twist, her friend Jessica. This chick walks in, alone, straight up to the bar where Kelsi was chatting with Katie, giving her another drink.  “Jessica, I know you’ve been fucking Chris. I don’t care what he told you, I’m his girlfriend, and I’m here to put an end to what you are doing. HE IS MINE.” 

Kelsi had to hold back the laughter. And definitely refused to look at Katie or Jessica. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me? My name is Kelsi”

“Cool, might not be you. But that bartender, down there. That’s Jessica right? Tell her to come here” 

“Ma’am, we don’t have a Jessica that works here. That is Molly. If you aren’t going to order a drink, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave” 

“Wait….” Tears started to erupt from the mystery girl’s eyes, as she sat at an empty bar stool. “Tequila shot, please.”  

Was this a moment where I wanted to step in and try to console this chick, or do I stir the pot (as in my nature), or should I completely ignore her? Choice is mine. “Hey girl, clearly you are in a not good spot. Would it help to talk it out? We will listen” 

“I, uh. Well my boyfriend Chris, he cheated before, when we were in college. But since then, he’s been all into me. And things have been good. But the last month or so, I felt like he was lying to me, and then I discovered he’d been cheating on me. Again. I confronted him about it, and he tried to tell me that we should have a poly relationship, and bring Jessica into our daily routine, even suggested we get a three bedroom apartment so we could all live together and each have our own room. I sat their stunned, and didn’t know what to do. I initially, asked questions, appearing to go along with it; he said she was a bartender here. And that’s when I flipped.

I actually called up here one night and accused whoever it was that answered the phone of being Jessica.” “Yeah, that was me. I told you we don’t have a Jessica that works here. I’m Katie, nice to meet you.” 

“I’m so sorry. I was so overcome with rage after Chris and I had that conversation, I didn’t know what else to do. He was standing next to me, and when he didn’t phase at my reaction, I assumed he was lying to me again. But still, I couldn’t help but to try and believe him still. So after trying to get into his phone for the last few days, and not finding anything, I couldn’t keep putting him off any longer, he needed an answer about whether Jessica could move in. So, now I can’t figure out if he is completely fucking with me, or if this is a thing that’s going to actually happen.” 

“Damn sweetie, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Get rid of this dude now. He clearly is a liar and doesn’t actually give a fuck about you” 

“So, can I jump in for a moment? Hi, I’m Jessica. I don’t work here, but am a regular and friends with quite a few of the bartenders. I’ve been seeing a guy named Chris, but had no idea he had a girlfriend. He didn’t tell me that. Said he had a roommate, named Serena, is that you?”     

The Formative Years

I’m learning you can tell alot about someone how they describe their formative years, especially when talking about sex; as if there is anything else anyone cares above from your formative years. Reminiscing about not just the how one lost their virginity stories; but the details about what lengths some people would go to for sex, can be hilarious and telling.
While most people I know have stories of sex in their bedroom, or a siblings bedroom, some even in their parents bedroom; or friends parents bedroom; all while everyone was out of town, away at work, or even more dangerously during a house party. I’m pretty sure everyone also has a car story, and those are a lot more fun.


Some of the most telling car stories I’ve heard, drive home the point that teenagers don’t have very good sex. I mean, sure it may have been good at the time, but what was there to compare it too? 


Backseat car story: Some mutual friends set them up, they went on a double date, and then he offers to drive her home, even though the girls rode together to dinner. She accepts, because yes, they were having fun. He asks her if she wants to go park in a secluded spot he knows, so they can get to know each other better. Of course she does. They sit in the front for a bit, getting to know each other, which turns into making out. As the windows start to get steamy, he suggests they move to the backseat. More room to explore each other. So moved to the backseat, it was a car, she doesn’t remember what kind, the back seat was roomy enough to explore, for sure. Things turned into car sex, which of course was not great, while the backseat was roomy, he was a big dude and it wasn’t that roomy. Apparently he asked her if he could do anal, to which she claims she didn’t really hear him and agreed anyway. [clearly inexperienced idiot]. they tried to change positions and when that certainly didn’t happen very smoothly, they just gave up.

Frontseat car story: I had this truck that had a full bench seat in the front. My high school girlfriend and I once had sex while I was driving. Then when we were just making out, I hit a brick mailbox and dented my fender. Man, they don’t make trucks like they used to. I was so proud we didn’t hit anything whilst having sex, yet, a little kissing and I fucking hit something. Oh well.I had so many questions to that one. But goes to show, teenagers don’t know how to have good sex, like was it really that good if you didn’t have to take your eyes of the road; or maybe it was just that quick?

Some other more random and funny or just weird ones Ive heard, can also give you some insight into a person. I mean, WE all have these stories, but it can be telling on which ones we decide to share. What do these say about us, or maybe it’s to show how far we’ve come since the formative years.


I had this one boyfriend, he would come over when my parents were at my brothers ball games. We always timed it so he’d arrive right after they left; a few times we almost got busted, because my parents saw him down the road as they were leaving. But anyhow, he would show up right after they left, and we would know we had about 90 mins to play. We never thought to use an alarm clock or kitchen timer; this was back in the day before all things clocks and timers were on our cellphones. So we would play a CD, specific ones of course, can’t quite remember exactly which right now, but we’d know when the music stopped it was time for him to go. Well, this one time, I guess I was fucking with the settings on my dad’s new 5-CD Player that had a remote (so ahead of his time, back then) and was listening to music before he got there, and had a second CD ready to play once he arrived. Well… we lost track of time and my parents showed up he was still there. Oh the music was still playing, because that second CD I switched to, well, i had it programmed to only play one song, on repeat. So for almost two hours, neither one of us noticed it played Jewel’s ‘You Were Meant For Me’. I mean I was sappy back then, and he liked that song too. So ya, we didn’t actually get caught by my parents, but it cost me paying my brother $50 to keep him quiet. Damn technology.

While her music choice doesn’t leave a lot to be desired, kudos for use of technology, and keeping mom and dad in the dark. And I will say, they probably did have some good sex, if he was over for 90+ mins once a week; otherwise, they dumb. To wrap up this fun game of reminiscing of our formative years, I’ll leave this one for you to ponder what it says about him:


The THING to do at my school, was to have sex under the bleachers. Sure a few classmates actually pulled it off during a game, mostly it happened during school hours or on nights/weekends, when not many people were around. A few friends of mine actually thought it was funny to have multiple girls show up and let them pick which one of the guys they wanted and they would all fuck together. Personally, I don’t actually believe it ever happened that way. But this one time that I had sex under the bleachers, this chick Christine, I was crushing on her hard that year. I didn’t think she really knew who I was, we only had one class together. But one day, after that class, she struck up conversation, which we continued all week. On Friday, she told me she’d like to climb my beanstalk under the bleachers. I was shocked, but manned up and was like, ok, let’s go. So we arranged to meet there a little while later. I won’t sugar coat this, I was so nervous, not only was this CHRISTINE, but i’d never had sex, or even made-out under the bleachers; or in that much of a public, anyone could walk up on us at any time. I was kinda shy. I must hav been chewing a big wad of gum; that’s what I do when I’m nervous. Somehow, I forgot to spit it out, it ended up in her mouth, than back in mine, and then I lost track of it when things got hot and heavy. She again told me she wanted to climb my beanstalk, and I panicked for a second because I forgot to ask my friends what that move actually was. I told her okay, and she moved us down a bit to where there was this kinda seat thing. She had me sit down and she wanted to ride my cock like that; oh, I understood, it wasn’t really some crazy move or thing. In retrospect, I should have probably not dropped my pants to my ankle, I mean sitting like that, i could certainly have kept them mostly on (in which case the next part would probably not have happened). So we go to fucking, and somehow, that wad of gum was on the chair or fell from whereever, and with all the movement, started to make its way inbetween my ass cheeks for sure, and then on the bottom of my hairy balls, and then somehow, it was fucking everywhere. Gum, in all the pubic hairs and all over my ass. It was definitely an experience that made the record books; and was the last time I had sex outside in a public place.

Bachelor Party Woes

Planning a bachelor party should be a slam dunk, easy peasy, right? What is there to really plan, a bunch of guys get together, without the ladies, drink, maybe do something manly like play golf or fish, and go to a strip club. Is there really planning involved? That’s what I thought when I agreed to be in charge of Ryan’s. This would be a piece of cake.


That’s when I started to hear stories about what some of the other dudes have been involved with. 


For Rat’s, they were doing a weekend at the camp. On the way there, stopped at a gas station and made him put on a velvet track suit, straight out of the 70s. Then proceeded to lock his suitcase, so he had no options for other clothes. They went to the strip club that night, velvet track suit and all. All was fun, lots of shots, lots of beers, decent looking ladies. Rat almost lost his shit in excitement when he was called up to the stage with two of the more attractive strippers. He was strutting his stuff down the catwalk in his track suit, beautiful scandously clad lady on either arm. That’s when the strippers turned him around and SMACK, one of them smacked him across the face. Then turned him around so the other could too. This went on for minutes, until eventually, he was on the ground and they were literally beating him up. No telling how far that would have actually gone; because at that moment, the Strip Club was raided by the police and the night ended. Rat is still famous at that strip club for having that epic night, and taking it like a man, in his velvet track suit. His picture is behind the bar in a frame, and he is always allowed a free round or two when he goes there.


Josh’s friends were slightly cunning and assholes for his. Hilarious though. They were out of town for the weekend, they ended up in Destin. Who doesn’t love a good beach trip, right? Well they had this great idea to bring back some of their college memories and do a scavenger hunt. Heard there was options that you could buy, but true to their fraternity days, they made one up. Having not a clue if it was actually going to be doable. Some of the items on the list were pretty sketchy – used penis rings, virgin blow-up doll with blonde hair, picture with a drug dealer during the transaction. Then there was pretty normal things, get a female bartender to take a shot with you, do a bodyshot of a random red head, get a married woman to kiss him, leave a tag in a men’s room. But wait, there was more. His friends thought it would be funny to find the raunchiest cologne possible, buy it all, and constantly dousse him with it. Like dump on his head, fill a water gun with it and randomly spray. It was fun and games, yet quickly everyone out and about in their area knew who they were and what they were up to. Could smell him from so far away. Made it really hard to complete his items on the list.


Well damn, those were way more exciting and planned out that what I was thinking. And certainly more than what I’ve experienced. I’ve been to a few, for Jared, Tim, Kyle & Mike. We did the beach trip for one, but didn’t do anything crazy besides start each day with Car Bombs; and everytime Tim said his fiancee’s name, he would have to do another. We did a poker tournament, casino style for Jared. Kyle’s was probably the closest to what I envisioned, we went to Twin Peaks for lunch and stayed through dinner time drinking, then got back to the hotel room we rented, and a couple of strippers showed up to give us some lap dances.


So…. any suggestions for how I can up my game for this bachelor party I am planning?

She loves me not

Tonya, Tammy, John and I had gotten tickets to see a few bands in a town a few hours away. We often did things like this, go on adventures out or in town. Most the time it was the 4 of us, occassionally it was a larger group of 6-8. Sometimes people were slightly interchangable; but most of our adventures included the 4 of us. 


It’d been this way for almost 2 years now. It started with Tammy and John dating. Each of us were friends with at least 1 of them, and when they started dating, the group of us all became closer. It wasn’t ever weird with the four of them; didn’t ever feel like a 3rd wheel or even a double date. We just all enjoyed hanging out together. It kinda became a thing.


Silly me, developed feelings for Tonya. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that most of the time it was the 4 of us. Sure, John and Tammy, didn’t rub their relationship in our faces while we were all out. But I started to notice the little things between them; the brush of their hands while we were walking down the street, not quite hand-holding, but not just an accidental touch. The quick I love you kisses, when they thought no one was looking; the silent glances of admiration when the other’s laugh reached their eyes. All that definitely helped make me long for someone I could share those things with as well.


What is it they say about out of sight, out of mind? I think the opposite is also true. When you spend enough time with someone, you start to develop feelings for them. Sure, there has to be something there, some sorta spark to begin with, I don’t think it can just happen with anyone; but with that spark and then time. It’s almost a natural progression for feelings to form. Isn’t that a thing?


At some point in the last few months, I’ve started to have feelings, romantic feelings for Tonya. Sure when we were together, we were flirty, and even sometimes our random texting conversations were on the edge of inappropriate flirty. I never could really tell if Tonya did have feelings for me too, or if this was just all fun. I wanted to just ask; but, I was scared. I didn’t want to disrupt the dynamic if she didn’t feel the same.


I had this feeling that this weekend, the time was right. We had gotten two hotel rooms, because it was an anniversary of some length for John and Tammy, so they wanted to get their own room. Originally, there was going to be two more friends coming with us, Kyle & Matt; but they backed out. Even still, it didn’t seem awkward, but more of perfect timing for me, that Tonya and I would be sharing a room. Sure we’d slept in the same bed, tons of time. Plus expecting 2 more, I had gotten a room with 2 beds, and probably a couch.


We had quite the adventure on the way out of town. Flat tire 30 minutes in; then 15 mins back on the road and we get stuck behind an accident. Waze had us get off to avoid it, which took us through a quaint little town that the girls had to get out and take pictures at. Finally, we arrived and checked in, and they didn’t have my reservation, and were all out of rooms. I could see the disappointment in Tammy’s face, thinking she would have to share her room with us as well; it was the polite and generous thing to do. Then, the hotel attendant declared the presidential suite was empty, and since it was their mistake; I had the confirmation email; she would put us in it for the same price i requested. Score 1 for me!!!


After a quick refresh, we all met for drinks and dinner before the concert. All night, Tonya was bitching to Tammy about how much she likes Kyle and she was disappointed that he didn’t make this trip. It was kinda weird at first, hearing her talk about him; then it was just annoying that she didn’t involve me or John in her conversation. A few times we tried to change the subject, but she just didn’t seem to care. It was definitely annoying. 


Besides being heartbroken by both the fact that Tonya was into Kyle, and not me; and that she was the kind of person to not care if she was ruining other people’s night by her trivial drammatic outbursts; the concert was great. By the time we had actually gotten to the concert, Tonya seemed to have said all she needed to about Kyle and was ready to actually have fun. John and I let them do their girl thing for a bit, the Tammy wanted to dance to the songs and have fun with John; so it was back to a group thing. Thank God for Tammy to then still including me as part of the group, like normal. She even did tell me at some point, she saw my disappointment and felt bad for how this played out. ‘Good news’ she said ‘at least you found out before you made a fool or yourself; or worse, something happened in that presidential suite of yours’. I laughed at that. Leave it to Tammy to always find the brightside in the situation.


The concert ended, we had a nightcap at the hotel bar. I had a feeling that Tonya was a little drunk, hell, I think we all were by this time. She wanted to keep drinking, Tammy & John were ready to call it a night; and Tonya told them to go-on; I’d stay and drink with her still. As soon as they left, Tonya upped her flirting game with me. It was fun and all, but I was guarded; having been disappointed by her. After the bar essentially kicked us out, and we headed to the Presidential Suite. The bed was large enough, we could both sleep in it, but I kinda wanted to play it coy for a while. There was a pull-out bed too.


On the elevator, she leaned in and kissed me. Like really tried to kiss me. I played coy, as the door opened to our floor and we got out. She grabbed my hand, and we walked down the hall that way. Once in the room, she tried again to come in for a kiss. This time, I let her know “No. I spent hours listening to you talk about how much you were in love with Kyle , and wish he was here instead of me. I’m not going to fucking touch you tonight. In fact, I can call the maid to set up the pull-out couch for you if you’d like. Save you the trouble of making it up yourself.”


The look on her face was priceless. I almost didn’t get past 10 seconds without busting out in laughter. Sure, after I cracked up, I told her she could sleep on the couch; but she could also sleep in the bed with me. It was big enough, and we’d done it before with no issues.

What’s your dominant…?

Let’s talk about the word dominant. This word definitely has many meanings based on context. Although dictionary says: governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence; we definitely have taken that to a different level.


Dominant hand in doing anything, writing, batting, sports, etc…. and then there is the Dominant is a relationship. The one who is actually charge. To even a more sexual sub-culture, a dominant and a submissive; the Dominant holding all the cards and giving all the comands, while the submissive just does whatever the dominant says. These roles can be limited to just the bedroom, or relationships in general these days.

While, I’m happy to play those games on occassion, Hell, who doesn’t want someone to make all the decisions on occassion; that’s not the lifestyle for me. But I am increasingly interested in the use of the word dominant hand.
I walked into a conversation once, where a girl was having a chat with some dudes, about masturbation and dominant hand. She exclaimed that somestimes she masturbates with her non-dominant hand to pretend that its someone else touching her. They all laughed, and I did too. Although, laughing wasn’t my first instinct. I had more questions. How can you literaly touch yourself and pretend its someone else; that’s some legit denial situation happeneing.


Years later, I hear of some show telling young men they should finger a girl only with your non-dominant hand; so later, when you masturbate you can smell the fingers of your non-dominant hand; while you are stroking your shaft with your dominant hand, like you should; so you can imagine the gist of her and get yourself off faster. I wonder; is that really a thing?


So I decided to poll my friends, and this is the result:
Those whose dominant hand is the right, this question was fairly easy to answer. Always or almost-always with the right hand. Using the left was not a thing.


For those lefties, the question of what does it take to be your dominant hand. For instance, which hand you write with? or swing a bat with? Didn’t consider the fact that often everyone is taught to use their right hand for many things, even though it feels more natural to use the left. That complicates the answer. But once we established that dominant hand is whichever one feels natural to you, the same result. Dominant hand wins out.

So my conclusion is, the chick that likes to masturbate with her other hand to pretend its someone else; she has one Hell of an immagination, or she just crazy.

And those guys that want to use their non-dominant hand on me now, so they can masturbate and smell me at the same time, my response to you: are you 12? Do you think I’m going to cut you off of playtime, after you get to third base? (That’s what it was in middle school, right, third base) And then i’m not going to recipricocate. I mean sure, I’ve experienced the times where we start to fool around, and one should likely start there; and then we fell asleep/passed out/whatever… but that was both of us. So I find it utterly absurd to think that you will need to satisfy yourself later after we are done. If that is truly the case; then man up and let a girl know. We may be greedy sometimes, but fuck that noise. If you get me off, especially a few times; I owe you to at least get you off once.

Movie Theater Joke

Just a few guys having a chill night by seeing a movie. Todd and Charlie put a Miller Lite in each pocket before going in. They had done this before. Get in, sit in the back row and crack a couple beers during the movie. As soon as they did, Shane was pissed that he didnt have one too. Todd told him to take his ass to the car and get a few, like them. Instead of grabbing a couple  he grabbed the entire case. Shane just casually walked back into the movie theater, with a case of Miller tucked under his arm, past the concessions and ticket taker, and into the theater, back to his seat.


Of course some dude that works there, followed behind him a minute later, and was like what are you doing? You can’t bring that in here. Shane replied, without missing a beat, “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t aware.” in a beautiful British Accent. To which the employee asked where he was from. Shane’s reply, not here. Where I live this is ok. Again in the accent. The employee, told them all, because clearly he caught everyone with our cans too; to step outside and finish the beers, put the rest in the car, and to enjoy their movie, and The States.

How could they have let this luck get away from them, after that awesome exchange? So after the movie, they hit the bar. As luck would have it, Shane kept his British accent up all night. He even ended up going home with a girl because of it. In fact they kinda dated for a few weeks. Damn Shane kept the accent up the whole time. It was sad in the end, he really did like this girl, but he’d been lying to her or she’d been an idiot; so….

After a afternoon long sex session, where Shane nearly forgot twice to keep up the accent, he decided he was done with the charade, and was going to come clean. After some food they were sitting on the couch watching TV, and he was about to come clean, when she looked over at him, and asked him to be exclusive with her, and be her actual boyfriend. So, now was as good as a time as ever, thought Shane; he responded “I don’t think that’s a good idea” in his normal accent. She just looked at him like he sprouted a horn on his head. “I’m sorry that I’ve lied to you, but this isn’t going to work out.” She was still speechless, still no words, or even acknoweldgement of understanding in her face, she was straight deer in headlights. He tried again “Susan, this is the real me. That accent, well, it started as a joke to prevent my boys and I from getting into a little trouble, and well, I just kept it going. Then when we met, it was fun, and you digged it. I didn’t think I’d see you again after that night”. 

‘Wait, how is your American accent so good. Have you been practicing for when you meet my parents nextweekend. You are the sweetest, Shane.’

“No, wait what? I don’t think you are understanding me. I am NOT British. I’ve been lying to you for weeks. I’m sorry. I like you and all, but this isn’t how to start a relationship”

She was speechless, didn’t say another word, Shane waited a few more minutes, then just walked out.

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