Most embarassing story of my life. Well, the parts I remember are super embarassing, the parts other people have filled in, is more embarassing, but since I don’t actually remember those, they didn’t happen, right? I’m sharing my most embarassing story with you all now, so that you can learn from where I went wrong, and don’t embarass yourself the same way. Bare with me on the back story, I feel like it helps to set the tone of that dreadful night.

So here I was, just moved to a new city for grad school. I didn’t know a single person in town besides a few professors I had met during pre-acceptance interviews and visits. I rented an apartment sight unseen based on a recommendation from a friend that had previously lived in that town as a child, and proximity to campus. The online reviews were okay, but I didn’t put much stock into those. What normal person has time to actually do a review?

My big move-in weekend arrived, I had a couple of friends help me move, I didn’t have a lot of big stuff. Actually, I had no big stuff besides a TV. Just some clothes and stuff. I had gotten a furnished apartment, so just two cars full of stuff was all I had. When I arrived to the apartment clubhouse to check in and get my keys, everythings seemed great. Unfortunately, I’d be on the second floor, but that didn’t matter much, it wasn’t like we were moving furniture. I went in first, and bam, no furniture. As my doting friends made trips carrying in my stuff, I went back to the clubhouse office to see what the deal was. They found where I had agreed for a furnished apartment, but apparently Karen didn’t make the order with the furniture company and doesn’t work there anymore, so? They placed an order, but it would be a few days before it could get there. No major problem there, I have a bean bag I can sleep on for a few nights, or maybe be a little mischevious and spend the night somewhere else?
My friends had already gotten a hotel room for two nights, so I ended up crashing with them. We all got so drunk, that we ended up fallining alseep in just one room; most of us on the same bed. That’s how we roll. After my friends went home, I attempted to meet some of my neighbors, but they seemed like they didn’t care. OK, then.

First couple of days of class, I met a few classmates, most seemed nice enough, but everyone seemed pretty well established in town. The first weekend I went out of town to see some friends. They gave me the confidence boost that once I return, I should go check places out by myself, and make some new friends. I am awesome and people like me. It was almost a dare.

That Monday in class, I casually asked if anyone wanted to grab drinks or dinner that evening. One taker, Jenny, said she could meet me for a drink later that evening. She suggested a beer bar, I said sure, no way was I going to not let her choose the place. We exchanged numbers and she agreed to meet me around 7. I looked the place up online and saw they also had food, perfect. I was starving already, not having time or desire to grocery shop since I got back from out of town.

I showed up to the bar really early, planning to eat and scope it out before Jenny was set to arrive. It seemed unusually busy for a Monday evening, but that reaffirmed for me it was a great spot. I was able to snag two stools at the bar.  The two bartenders seemed nice enough, a blonde and a guy with a beard. Let let me try a bunch of beers, I found a couple I liked and drank and ate, waiting on Jenny.

After a little while, there were a lot of people there. Apparently, there was a big sports championship game on TV that a lot of people came out to watch. About 645, Jenny messaged me that she wasn’t going to make it. Damn. Well already a few beers in, I might as well stay and drink.
Giving up my second saved stool, I thought maybe this would be an opportunity to randomly meet and chat with someone else. So I switched to vodka soda, thinking that’d be less bloated feeling than the beer. Soon enough my plan was working; there was a natural break next to me, so many people that came up to the bar to order more drinks came and stood by me. Most of them struck up conversation with me, nothing spectacular or love at first sight; but took some of the boredom out of my night. I even tried to watch the “big game” but didn’t have a clue what was going on, so gave that up quickly. A few people even bought me a shot. Shots are definitly not my favorite, but hey, when a cute boy is buying, why say no.

Watching this sad girl talk to everyone that got close enough to hear her for the last couple of hours was pretty pathetic. You could tell she was lonely, and I felt a twinge of empathy for her, but watching  this shit show unfold, was definitely her doing. I hope she was trying to make a joke when she pressured Ryan to buy her a shot, while talking to him about the last goal scored. I suppose, technically a touchdown is a goal scored, but she seemed too intelligent to that point, not get it. Ryan thought she was cute so bought her a couple of shots, all in all, even though he had no intentions for her. She didn’t know that. So sad.

Switching to vodka soda and doing shots, after drinking a few beers, was maybe not the best idea. It certainly made me have to pee, a lot. I think this last time I went to the bathroom, I might have been a litte tipsy. I don’t think I was walking straight for sure. Maybe this was a good time to switch to water and sober up a bit before going home. But when I got back to my stool, I saw someone had brought me another vodka soda and was waiting to take another shot. Well damn, this guy was cute. He bought me a shot a while ago, I think he said his name was Kevin, or Kyle, maybe? We did the shot, I thanked him for the drinks, and he stood there while we chatted for a while. He was asking all kinds of questions, jeez, I hope I didn’t sound as drunk as I felt.

Damn, who gave that chick another shot. Damn it Kyle, I aught to cut him off too. She definitely needs to be cut off now. I’m going to just bring her a water. I have a feeling she’s going to be the death of us tonight. This should have been a nice easy night. Fuck, did she just fall off the stool. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Okay, definitely done drinking and switching to water now. I almost fell off my bar stool, again. Of course, the cute boy talking to me saw it. He acted like he didn’t care, which is cool. He also asked me to come home with him and his girl friend; well damn, I wasn’t that drunk. Not into that kind of thing. Well, mostly not into it, not in my first month here. I don’t know what that scene is like here. Thank God, the hot bartender brought me a water; its like our brain waves connected.

My water kept getting refilled, so i’m not sure how many I had. I was feeling pretty good, peed a lot more, feeling pretty good. So when that guy Ryan offered me another round on him, how could I refuse. Damn, that last shot with him was good. He was cute, maybe he’d ask me to come home with him. He kept buying my drinks and shots all night, he had to be single right? Unless this was a known swinger/hook-up spot and I just didn’t know that. I mean, it didn’t have the kind of vibe for that sorta of place, at least in my experience, but hey – new town, who knows.
Dammnit. I’m gonna kill her for letting that chick get another drink. Just because she drank some waters, doesn’t mean she needed more.I guess the game is over, this bar seemed to really clear out. One last shot from the cute boy I can’t remember his name. Oh well, fuck… that last one hit differently. Maybe I’ve had to much, I better go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face.

FUCK. Is she throwing up on the floor? FUCK. Let me push her  towards the bathroom at least, its easier to clean up in there. Why is it this hard to herd a drunk chick, usually its not this difficult. Why does she keep stopping. Ugh….. OH UGGG….. She just wiped her throw-up covered hand all over my face, I think it got in my mouth…. What the fuck is wrong with her? Finally, she’s in the bathroom, I’ll deal with her later. Going to  throw-up and clean my head now, so fucking gross. What the FUCK.I guess I’m clean enough for now, let me go check on this chick. What the fuck? Why is she naked, and in the middle of the floor. I can’t, I’m done, I’m tapping out.That chick, she sure enough was naked. Not only did she take her clothes off, she put them in the sink and because of the faucets being automatic, her clothes were completely soaked. I can’t even with this. What possesses someone to do that, in a public restroom? Luckily she had stopped throwing up, and seemed to just be mostly passsed out. I found a  large tshirt from a vendor in the back, I dressed her in it and  got her to sit up. Since we pretty much closed early, not dealing with this, and it fit her like a dress, I convinced her to come back and sit on the bar stool. Drink more water and close out her tab. Also, how the fuck was her tab only $40, half of which was food, and she was this drunk. Damn boys getting her ass drunk. I remember not keeping that last shot down, and then drinking water again at the bar. I was ready to go home. I closed out my tab, which was a little more than I planned on, but hey it wasn’t too bad. I think I went ahead and tipped well.
She was barely awake at the bar, I would have expected her to tip a little more, but 20% isn’t bad.I can’t believe she let her sit back at the bar, butt-ass naked, and fed her more water. And fuck her tip, I deserved more than 20% to deal with that.I don’t remember getting home. But woke up in my parking lot in my car, in a t-shirt that wasn’t mine at 6am, with my clothes wet in a bag. What the hell happened, and how did I get here?

I’m done with this chick. She won’t tell us her address so we can’t send her home in a car. Her phone is dead. I’m going to put her in her car, and throw the keys in the backseat and hope for the best. She’s gonna pass out again as soon as she falls asleep. If I see her leave within the next few minutes, I’ll just call the cops and report her. I’m ready to go home for a real shower and I gotta get this work done, I can’t be having her throw up in here again.Well she lasted almost 2 hours, before she took off. All the best to her. We are NEVER serving her again here.

So moral of my story, is don’t drink to much when you are by yourself.